Domestic Violence and the Music Industry

Domestic violence isn’t always physical

Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control in an intimate relationship. It can include physical violence, sexual violence, threats, intimidation, stalking, financial control, isolation, and emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse can include monitoring your movements, controlling who you see, humiliating you, constantly accusing you of cheating, questioning your reality, threatening you or someone you care about, or making you feel that you have to ask permission to live your own life.

Sometimes the hardest part is recognizing what is happening. Abuse does not have to look like a dramatic fight or happen every day to affect your sense of safety.

When reputation is part of your livelihood

Talking about abuse can feel especially complicated when you work in music. The industry is relationship-driven, opportunities can depend on who knows you, and many musicians work freelance or project to project.

That can make disclosure feel like a professional risk. You may worry that people will think you’re difficult, dramatic, disloyal, unreliable, or trying to damage someone else’s career. You may be afraid that telling the truth will change how people see you or cost you future work.

You may also share a professional community with the person hurting you. You might see them at shows, rehearsals, studios, festivals, industry events, or through mutual friends and collaborators.

When the person hurting you is part of your world

The person may be a partner, bandmate, collaborator, manager, producer, promoter, or someone who is closely connected to your music community.

You may still see them at shows. You may share friends, venues, collaborators, clients, fans, or professional contacts. You may depend on the same income, housing, transportation, or community.

This can make decisions about disclosure and separation more complicated than simply deciding whether you want to leave.

You get to consider your safety, your finances, your work, your relationships, and your timing when deciding what to do next. You do not have to make every decision at once.

You don’t have to disclose everything

If you decide to tell someone, you can choose how much to share. You can tell one trusted person. You can talk with an advocate. You can tell a therapist without deciding what you want to do next.

You can also choose not to disclose yet. There is no requirement to tell your entire story before you are ready to ask for support.

Think about whether the person you tell is likely to respond supportively and whether they have a connection to the person who harmed you. If disclosure could create additional safety concerns, an advocate can help you think through options.

If you’re thinking about leaving

If you are currently living with or connected to someone who is abusive, making a sudden announcement, confronting them, or leaving without a plan may not be the safest option.

A safety plan can include thinking through where you could go, who you could contact, how you would get there, what important documents or medications you would need, and whether your phone or computer could be monitored.

The right plan depends on your situation. A domestic violence advocate can help you think through options without requiring you to decide immediately whether to leave or report.

• Keep important phone numbers somewhere safe if your phone may be monitored.
• Consider who you could contact if you needed somewhere to go.
• Think about transportation, medications, identification, money, and important documents.
• Consider whether your partner has access to your accounts, devices, location, or passwords.
• If you share work or music spaces, think about where you would feel safest at shows, rehearsals, or work events.
• Get individualized safety advice before making a change that could increase your risk.

Domestic violence resources

You don’t have to figure out what to do next by yourself. Advocates can help you think through your situation, safety options, housing, legal issues, and other practical concerns without requiring you to make a decision immediately.

Therapy when you’ve been abused

Therapy can be useful whether you are still in the relationship, thinking about leaving, rebuilding your life afterward, or trying to understand what happened.

You can work on things like fear, shame, self-trust, boundaries, relationships, identity, grief, and the ways abuse may have changed how you see yourself or other people.

You do not have to arrive with a decision already made. Therapy should not replace safety planning with a domestic violence advocate when there is current danger.